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Melancholy Doll

The darkest part of my mind

Missing 

I find myself missing my old job so much right now. It’s not the job itself but the people honestly.

I miss my friends 

I miss how close they all were 

All the laughs and jokes 

When I got off work they would be having a drink, having fun 

I changed the most there and for the best 

I won’t ever forget the beautiful souls I met there and partied with. 

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Back again 

It’s been so long but I’m glad to be back o  here. There’s been so much more change both good and bad, but I’m happy to say more good than bad. 

Just read through my old posts and it felt good, I need to keep this up. Recently my depression has come back full force and I’m losing my mind. Even with all the good around the bad seems to be front and center in my mind. It’s time to take extra steps to get out of this funk and that includes being active again on here. 

Breaking 

My demons are Dancing around inside my head. I hate when they get restless like this and start scratching at me trying to drag me down. I was doing so good and now it seems like I’m failing.

I can’t let win 

I will not let them destroy me 

Soulmate 

I’ve been engaged for a couple months now but I haven’t been able to write about it or really express how happy I am. 

He is my twin flame and Im so very lucky to be with him. It’s meant to be honestly no one else could make me feel the way he does. 

A new realization


I knew I had bad anxiety but I never knew it was this bad.

I’ve noticed it little by little but thought it wasnt so bad, not as bad as most. It also only goes up when Im interacting with people I start to get all jittery after like 2 minutes of talking.

Today I had an anxiety attack and didnt realized till it passed. It took a headache, nausea, and a sense of detachment to see it. This happens quite often but I dont realize it I just add on to it and chalk it up to being unhealthy and mentally unstable. 

It would explain my chest pains as well. 

Pretty sure it is Social anxiety disorder thats usually when it starts up. Going to look more into it though and other mental disorders. 

In high school I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and paranoia. Wish I would of worked on it then instead of constantly self-harming myself mentally and physically. 

Now it’s all mental self-harm but Im determined to work through this though and any other disorders damn it. 

Friend problems 

My closest friend also seems to bring me the most harm.

Not on purpose.. at least I hope it wasnt.

She was one who dictated everything in my life most. If she couldnt get her way she’d push me to the edge and make me cry knowing she would eventually get what she wanted.

Putting me down to build herself up 

You have to have equal or less than what she has or she gets mad

Shitting on my parade too when good things would happen. 

Not allowed to have other friends 

Put all of that shit to a stop 

No more 

She hates it

I love it 

It hurts though

To know she knew what she was doing

To know she hated these changes

That she loved having that control

Too bad 

Things wont ever go back to the way they were Im not blind or spineless anymore. 

So much change

A lot has changed since I’ve last been on.

Bridges have been built 

Habits have been broken.

Built a spine

I no longer let other dictate the way I think or live.

There have been days where I go out with no makeup. 

I didnt think Id accomplish any of these things and there’s more to come it doesn’t stop here. 

Changing

I’m seeing things very differently

It feels like Ive actually opened my eye

At first it all hurt 

I wanted to stop learning, to stop building.

But whats been seen cannot be unseen 

I need to strengthen this. 

Need to keep building upon these new ideas. 

Yoga has helped me with this changed 

It has honestly changed my life.

My family and friends see it to. 

Laying down new ground rules without saying it. 

I let others dictate my life so much that its a hard transition I understand this. 

Changing will help so much more though its already showing.  

I’m changing 

body and mind

Growing

More and more 

Day by day 

Wandering mind

My mind has been drifting so much recently

Ive always been like this 

Not all there 

But not like this

Daydreaming of fire 

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