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Melancholy Doll

The darkest part of my mind

Month

July 2016

Closer and closer

Less than a week now and we’ll be in our own apartment

Im still scared and feel like I want to cry when I think of it

Im going to miss my mom and dad so much even though theyll be close

I saw this picture on facebook though and it has a very good point.

Im gonna make my parents proud

They will see how well I fly 

This place

This is where I run to hide

To vent, to let go 

This is my Sanctuary

It used to be my room but now I share that.

I tried my mind but with all the internal turmoil it wasnt a good escape

Writing has been helping so much

Here I can breathe

The thoughts that don’t leave flow here

No judgement no fear 

Punishment within 

Certain thoughts and certain feelings can be considered Punishment
They weigh down the soul and tear at it

Traitorous emotions 

Replying sad memories over and over 

Not letting go of things that need to go

Constant reminder of failures past and present 

Put downs daily 

Its hard to shake them off 

It seems impossible

Coming to any sort of peace is a struggle 

One of many habits

I’ve never been one to take things   Slowly

Always leaping before I look

Speaking before thinking

It’s a shit habit to have 

One that needs to go

Everything is rushed with force nothing is ever slow and patient

It’d be nice to just stop, breathe, and take it slow. 

Not meant to be?

If this relationship doesnt work I will honestly give up and never love another man. All my love will go to my baby she is all I truly need and have in this world.

I see the signs 

Its not heading in a good direction

Such a good man should of stayed far from me.

Im no good just poison

He’s getting worse it seems my depressive ways are rubbing off 

I cant be what kills him I just cant

Bottled up

I’ve been keeping all my emotions bottled up so I made this blog in hopes of having a place to vent. A place to let it all out so I don’t have to sit with these thoughts and feelings that tear me apart. 

It seems as if it’s a crime though. 

My love reads through my posts and gets really hurt, he doesnt understand that the problems in my head have nothing to do with him they’ve been there since I was in high school.

These battles in my mind I must fight alone. Is that horrible? 

If I dont work these things out on my own I feel like Im just doomed to sink lower and lower into the depression that comes and goes. 

If I hold it all in there will be no hope for me. It feels better writing it all down even if my grammer is horrible or my words arnt colorful, this has been helping. 

Her 

Carefree was before the baby 

Before her I partied more 

I fed my demons more

Didnt have to worry about much

That all changed when she came about 

All my cares go to her now 

And I wouldnt trade it for the world 

She’s Carefree for me.

Puddles 

She sits there trying to reach the depths of her mind but she only finds puddles where she wishes to find oceans.
Its not her fault it’s just the way she is there is nothing she can do except envy those whose minds provide them with oceans, with endless wonders. 

Mysterious and beautiful 

Unlike the bland shallow puddle that is her mind.

 

Depth

The war within 


I know Im not smart in anyway so I really dont need others letting me know how dumb I am, especially family.
I have the depth of puddle with the face and body of a hob goblin. Alot of people think I dont know these things about myself and want to remind me about them. The truth is I do know, not a day goes by that I dont look in the mirror and tear myself down piece by piece. Everyday I try to progress but its hard when you’re working with shit. 

My soul is growing tired of this continues battle in my mind. I know that I can never be done growing and there will always be inner battles but theres something really wrong when theres never any inner peace. How can I rid myself of some of these demons? Which ones will go and which ones will stay?

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