I got closer to this friend than I should of.
Made a huge mistake and took it to an area it didnt need to go.
I let one of my roam demons roam freely for a bit. Its caged back up and Im left with much disgust for myself as usual.
Couldn’t hold in this ugly secret and let it out. Told my sister and my man losing so much respect, from myself as well.
Its things like this that prove all the bad i say about myself is true
I am filth
I am disgusting
I am ugly inside and out
I really wish I didnt do all this. It was a good friendship and helped so much before I crossed the line.
The main one hurt is my love, he’s so good to me and still is even after this.
I dont deserve him.
What to do now?
This darkness is where Ill stay till I figure something out.
So I have a friend coming over tomorrow. Its a guy, my man will be here, but still its very different from how I am.
I am able to talk to him on a different level, like a psychologist. He gives me good advice and is very open minded. I feel he has much wisdom to pass on and Im lucky to be a person who gets to gain some from him.
It isnt really normal but Ive always been odd
Im a Ghost of my former self
Everytime I look in the mirror I see her.
The old me
Pre prego me
Pound by pound
Day by day
She will live again and this cow version of me will be the dead one
Im still getting used to the apartment, very thankful for all the help my loves and I have received. I do like that I get to smoke in my own home but I still feel a little out of place. I miss my dads house, and miss seeing my ma all the time guess it was time though I too damn old not to have my own place.
As for work, its been good I’ve been getting more hours and have made another good friend. He challenges my way of thinking and is very open minded, I feel comfortable talking to him and getting his opinion on stuff. Theres alot he said he can help me with which I look forward to.
I still have the same battles going on but thats no surprise.
So we’ve been moved in already for a couple days. It feels good being independent but I cant help but feel gloomy. Everything is all hitting at once again Im getting overwhelmed, yet if I say anything about it I get looked at with disgust or confusion. Hopefully over time this feeling wears off I already got so many battles going on I dont want more.