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Melancholy Doll

The darkest part of my mind

Month

June 2017

A new realization


I knew I had bad anxiety but I never knew it was this bad.

I’ve noticed it little by little but thought it wasnt so bad, not as bad as most. It also only goes up when Im interacting with people I start to get all jittery after like 2 minutes of talking.

Today I had an anxiety attack and didnt realized till it passed. It took a headache, nausea, and a sense of detachment to see it. This happens quite often but I dont realize it I just add on to it and chalk it up to being unhealthy and mentally unstable. 

It would explain my chest pains as well. 

Pretty sure it is Social anxiety disorder thats usually when it starts up. Going to look more into it though and other mental disorders. 

In high school I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and paranoia. Wish I would of worked on it then instead of constantly self-harming myself mentally and physically. 

Now it’s all mental self-harm but Im determined to work through this though and any other disorders damn it. 

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Friend problems 

My closest friend also seems to bring me the most harm.

Not on purpose.. at least I hope it wasnt.

She was one who dictated everything in my life most. If she couldnt get her way she’d push me to the edge and make me cry knowing she would eventually get what she wanted.

Putting me down to build herself up 

You have to have equal or less than what she has or she gets mad

Shitting on my parade too when good things would happen. 

Not allowed to have other friends 

Put all of that shit to a stop 

No more 

She hates it

I love it 

It hurts though

To know she knew what she was doing

To know she hated these changes

That she loved having that control

Too bad 

Things wont ever go back to the way they were Im not blind or spineless anymore. 

So much change

A lot has changed since I’ve last been on.

Bridges have been built 

Habits have been broken.

Built a spine

I no longer let other dictate the way I think or live.

There have been days where I go out with no makeup. 

I didnt think Id accomplish any of these things and there’s more to come it doesn’t stop here. 

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