No release

I broke yesterday

The sadness was overwhelming

I haven’t let the thoughts get to me like that for a while now

I wish I didn’t do it

It will be the last time I don’t want my love thinking it’s an ok way to cope because it’s not.

For the first time I really regretted it even though the initial slice felt good the feeling after was of shame and guilt no release.

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New plan

Registered for school again but this time I have an actual plan and I put a lot of thought into what I want to do. Hoping for summer classes but have to ask the academic adviser first if not then definitely in fall.

I’m very nervous but confident with the field I chose. The classes are intimidating but I’m so excited to take them.

This is bad 

I felt the bad news before I heard it 

I don’t know how but I did 

My stomach was knotted up and I kept getting the feeling that something horrible was going to happen.

Things won’t ever be the same after this 

This is a huge accusation

If it is true then action must be taken but for all party’s

If one does time so must the other 

Both sides must lose 

Bye bye FB 

I’ve decided to get rid of my Facebook for a while. All it does is cause drama and anxiety so it’s the best decision for now.

Going to try to go for a week then if I’ve noticed a major difference I’ll keep it deactived. 

Just breathe 

Anxiety please go away there is no need for you to stay

You should have passed now

Why are you still here?

My head hurts and so does my chest 

I want to cry but can’t 

I’d just curl up into a ball but then it gets worse 

Same thoughts racing and some new ones joining 

Im just a 

STUPID

USELESS

UGLY

FUCK UP 

I try not to be I really do but I can’t succeed no matter how hard I try 

Why do I have to be me?

I’m drowning in these thoughts

I’m floating away 

Not here anymore not a part of this world
At least it felt that way now I’m coming back down 
There’s a faint whisper 

“You’re ok don’t float away”

That part of me has gotten stronger

I never gave it strength before 

Writing this all out honestly calmed me down

Usually I hide and cry this time I just typed it out. 

My heart isn’t pounding as fast anymore and the lump in my throat is gone

I will have control over this one day 

 

Missing 

I find myself missing my old job so much right now. It’s not the job itself but the people honestly.

I miss my friends 

I miss how close they all were 

All the laughs and jokes 

When I got off work they would be having a drink, having fun 

I changed the most there and for the best 

I won’t ever forget the beautiful souls I met there and partied with. 

Back again 

It’s been so long but I’m glad to be back o  here. There’s been so much more change both good and bad, but I’m happy to say more good than bad. 

Just read through my old posts and it felt good, I need to keep this up. Recently my depression has come back full force and I’m losing my mind. Even with all the good around the bad seems to be front and center in my mind. It’s time to take extra steps to get out of this funk and that includes being active again on here.