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Melancholy Doll

The darkest part of my mind

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A new realization


I knew I had bad anxiety but I never knew it was this bad.

I’ve noticed it little by little but thought it wasnt so bad, not as bad as most. It also only goes up when Im interacting with people I start to get all jittery after like 2 minutes of talking.

Today I had an anxiety attack and didnt realized till it passed. It took a headache, nausea, and a sense of detachment to see it. This happens quite often but I dont realize it I just add on to it and chalk it up to being unhealthy and mentally unstable. 

It would explain my chest pains as well. 

Pretty sure it is Social anxiety disorder thats usually when it starts up. Going to look more into it though and other mental disorders. 

In high school I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and paranoia. Wish I would of worked on it then instead of constantly self-harming myself mentally and physically. 

Now it’s all mental self-harm but Im determined to work through this though and any other disorders damn it. 

Friend problems 

My closest friend also seems to bring me the most harm.

Not on purpose.. at least I hope it wasnt.

She was one who dictated everything in my life most. If she couldnt get her way she’d push me to the edge and make me cry knowing she would eventually get what she wanted.

Putting me down to build herself up 

You have to have equal or less than what she has or she gets mad

Shitting on my parade too when good things would happen. 

Not allowed to have other friends 

Put all of that shit to a stop 

No more 

She hates it

I love it 

It hurts though

To know she knew what she was doing

To know she hated these changes

That she loved having that control

Too bad 

Things wont ever go back to the way they were Im not blind or spineless anymore. 

So much change

A lot has changed since I’ve last been on.

Bridges have been built 

Habits have been broken.

Built a spine

I no longer let other dictate the way I think or live.

There have been days where I go out with no makeup. 

I didnt think Id accomplish any of these things and there’s more to come it doesn’t stop here. 

Changing

I’m seeing things very differently

It feels like Ive actually opened my eye

At first it all hurt 

I wanted to stop learning, to stop building.

But whats been seen cannot be unseen 

I need to strengthen this. 

Need to keep building upon these new ideas. 

Yoga has helped me with this changed 

It has honestly changed my life.

My family and friends see it to. 

Laying down new ground rules without saying it. 

I let others dictate my life so much that its a hard transition I understand this. 

Changing will help so much more though its already showing.  

I’m changing 

body and mind

Growing

More and more 

Day by day 

Wandering mind

My mind has been drifting so much recently

Ive always been like this 

Not all there 

But not like this

Daydreaming of fire 

The point of no return 

It sucks that we’ve hit this point 

Things were supposed to be different 

This love was supposed to be different 

But it’s looking like the same the shit just a different toilet.

Don’t know where to go from here just wait to see how things go till the lease is up.

It really was beautiful at one point

Been doing good 
Today was weird but that’s ok 

Need to watch myself more but lesson learned 

Caught myself 

Just felt the need to type it all down.

#2

Tomorrow I will be going to my moms house for dinner. Its been two weeks since my first pic and feel like its a good time to take my second one.

Ive lost at least a pound and am really proud of it.

Updating 

So Ive started doing yoga and its been helping so much. I was sad at first discouraging myself but the results are showing and that was the boost I needed. 

There’s  also a side project with this, it involves pictures. They’ll be my progress pics. 

Ive already taken the first one it will be posted soon.

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